Early and hidden in plain-sight symptoms of an affair

There may be many causes for infidelity to happen, but it always the choice made, not something that happens out of the blue. If it is a choice why people choose to cheat? We covered a few psychological explanations in a post, Why do people cheat in a relationship?

Reasons for people to seek an affair

Infidelity may be the choice, but there are always reasons behind it that influence people, weakens their commitment, lures them to the act. We strongly recommend not to see the reason to find points for the blame games, instead of understanding the real cause to mend your relationship.

What does your relationship failed to offer to each other?

Lack of affection and attention. You may be affectionate, but as long as it is not shown in actions, then it’s equal to ‘no-affection’. If you don’t feel the attention or you offer it to your partner, it is the initial cause for everything. Because lack of attention to each other creates a big void, that both of you wanted to be filled (in any way).

Loss of fondness and caring for each other. Intimacy and romance is a mental bond, opposed to sex as physical. The decrease in the dependency of each other (even in day to day chores) increases the distance. Care for them in most personal ways which can’t be replaced by any other person your partner meets.

Breakdown of communication-related to emotional and relationship needs. Communication to express, not to show what you expect. Especially in relationship, communication is not about logic, it is emotional. Most of the time, the words and sentence your parter utters may look meaningless or with no logic. Listen, seek, put effort to get the underlying emotion instead of meaning of words your partner used.

There may be indirect reasons for people choose to avoid their spouse which may later builds the gap and leads to infidelity. Some of them are,

  • Physical health issues, such as chronic pain.
  • Mental health issues including depression, anxiety, ADD, learning disabilities, or bipolar disorder.
  • Addiction, including addiction to sex, gambling, drugs, or alcohol.
  • Unaddressed marital problems that have been building for years.

The usual advice in a relationship is asking you to give space. Too clingy will often result in counterproductive results of your partner choosing to avoid you. Too much space might work in the same way if the duration is too long. There’s not a certain measurement or standard for how long you have to give them space. You need to balance the act of giving space and spending quality time together.

Finding the symptoms of an affair (before the affair happens)

People often say cheating comes out of nowhere, but usually the cheater heads down a slow, undetected pathway before the physical cheating actually occurs. The key here is giving attention to the tiny changes in relationship dynamics.

Cheating is due to deficiencies in the relationship that leads one partner to feel lonely and devalued. Extrovert partners would often argue, yell, shout for the need of attention. Introverts choose to be silent and mostly they build their own cacoon. Both lead to one partner talking and another not listening. When you find this single direction, monologue type conversations frequently and your partner doesn’t care about it, that might be the good symptom that he/she might (already be getting) looking for good attention from someone else.

Everything starts from your thoughts. In your thoughts if you’re doing negative comparisons, (or your partner is doing this) could be a symptom for possible future infidelity only if it is entertained and encouraged every time it raises.

“Wow, look at her smiling at me and laughing at my jokes. I bet if I was with her, I wouldn’t be so stressed out all the time from the trivial arguments I have with my girlfriend.” This type of comparison talks is not good, especially explicit negative comparison. Frequently engaged in a series of negative comparisons like the one above will eventually become your normal thought and it will move on to the next level.

Unwillingness to address and resolve the problem (even small issues) within the relationship could be another symptom. He/She is okay with the wrongs you have done and not ready to point out or talk about it. In large cases, people use those to blame in future. If they like to keep up the tension and bad energy between which leads to resentment built up, primed to be disloyal (they use it as a reason for their choice to become disloyal).