What to do after an affair?

Infidelity is the choice made, a conscious decision. No one can justify it. Yet, things happen. People do mistakes. There’s plenty of reason for Infidelity. Even though there’s plenty of Early and hidden in plain-sight symptoms of an affair, couples often miss them and address them early.

What should you do now? What decision to take after you find you’ve been cheated or you cheated in a relationship?

One should not be judged solely by the action, but by their intentions. The first question you should be answering is whether to continue the relationship or to break up and move on? It’s not that simple to answer that. For that, you need to answer many other questions before.

Does cheating mean falling out of love?

Infidelity in the relationship happens when love is not satisfying enough in a relationship, that doesn’t exactly mean there’s no love. Relationships change shape over time and with that, sometimes the very human needs that we all have will get left behind. These needs include validation, love, connection, affection, intimacy, and nurturing – but there are plenty more. This is no excuse for an affair, but understanding what drove the affair is key to being able to move forward. Knowing the cause and reason Why do people cheat in a relationship? will help you to deal with the matter.

Does this mean end of relationship?

Infidelity, in other words, not being loyal, broken-trust. That doesn’t mean exactly the end of a relationship. If you chose to rebuild your relationship, it is almost like building from ground to up and the road ahead is going to be rough and bumpy. Trusts are never meant to be broken, yet there’s another chance if both parties willing to put effort and if the love is still there. Ask yourself these questions to decide whether it’s over or not?

  • Can you meet the need? Do you really want to?
  • Are you interested in making amends? Or are you willing to leave your partner?
  • Will you be able to let go of their anger and resentment towards your partner and move forward?
  • Is the relationship worth saving?
  • Can you imagine being happy with your partner despite what they did? 

How to find an affair is really over in a relationship?

You can’t take the words as it is from your partner. Hard to tell whether it is really over or your partner is just pretending, just for now because of the threat or compulsion. People often fear consequences and take decisions based on it, not solely from their heart.

Giving them a choice to move out without any repercussions is a good way to find whether they really want to be with you or not. It’s not about forgiving or judging the cheater, it’s to find whether he/she is worth another chance.

You have two choices to make,

  1. Break up & Move on
  2. Stick on, mend your relationship

If both you and your partner want to take the necessary steps to heal from an affair, it can be done, but it’s going to be a long road. Here are a few important actions to take together that can help repair your relationship.

How to make mends with relationships? (If you regret cheating)

  • Make sure you really remorse, if not, it is very hard for you to loyal and sustain long in the relationship. You really do have to feel deeply sorry.
  • Be honest with your past feelings. The only way to restore trust is to become brutally honest.
  • Be brutally honest now and forever
    • Lack of honesty – the reason for the betrayal.
    • You may not be appreciated for your efforts at the beginning
    • Be transparent and answer any and all questions even though it is hard. It’s better for your partner to know everything through you than in any other source.
    • Do not expect sympathy immediately
  • Avoid falling back again in the same trap.
    • Remove temptations
      • Deleting contact information, blocking numbers, and removing social media contacts will be essential
    • There needs to be transparency about any interactions only if it is unavoidable.
  • Focus more on a fresh and new foundation instead of carefully cruising around. Focus on what’s next to do. Not on what not to do again.
  • Be accountable.
  • Get help from different sources. Professional therapy or assistance is recommended.

What to do, If you’re the person been cheated?

And if your partner has cheated on you and he/she not feeling remorse for their mistakes, then you have to wait for it to start again.

Ask “Why it happened?”. Listen and Understand with an open mind. People can make poor choices at times, “The question then becomes: does that poor choice and/or symptom(s) now have to dictate the future of a relationship? The answer largely depends on the motivating factors behind the affair.”

“Why did this happen? Where was the breakdown? What was it in the relationship that ultimately caused us to have an open door for someone else to walk into it? Having that insight in your relationship is going to be important.”

You have all the right to expect deliberate and elaborate answers. The answers can’t be ingenuine or overly simplified like “I am a man” or “It just happened” etc.

Give the chance truly and forgive. Do not pull the past in all matters of the current. Don’t connect everything with the past, try to forget the details of the past at least don’t mention it if you see true effort from your partner to back on track.

Be selective about who you tell and what you tell, how much you tell. Humiliating and damaging your partner’s reputation will lead to further more problems. Positively reinforce but keeping his/her betrayal as secret. Another reason you should not tell everyone is, the more people that know about it, the more people are going to have their opinions based on purely trying to protect you from getting hurt

Consider working with a therapist. Don’t do it alone.